Going to the park is very simple. For us, it’s just a short walk. There’s another park also in walking distance in the opposite direction by the river. We typically don’t go to the park by the river because that playground is geared toward older children. Instead, we go out our door and turn right. We walk three blocks, cross the street, and head toward the playground. The park takes up a whole city block with a small play area recommended for children ages five years to twelve years old, plus baby swings, a gazebo, multiple benches throughout, and a memorial for who the park is named after. The park is simple to visit because we can build it into our walks. We play at the park for fifteen to thirty minutes based on how much time we have for our walk.

Now you may wonder what makes the park so tricky for a shy mom. First, you never know how many people will be there even if you go to the park at the same time every day. Yes, you do have a rough idea of how many people will be there but it’s never a guarantee. Then weekends are different since everyone is out of school and work. Not to mention summer throws everything off for both weekdays and weekends.

There’s such a variety of people who come to the park, which isn’t a bad thing at all, just some personalities are more stressful for shy moms. You have the people who stick to themselves and do their thing but are polite and sharing, which is what I’m always hoping for when we go or no one else at the park but ourselves. Then you have the people who do their own thing but are also in everyone's way and don’t believe in sharing. Some people say hi and ask how you are doing but don’t push conversations, yet you know they are there to talk if you wish. Then you have the talkers. They’ll talk to whoever about whatever and always ask you questions or opinions about their subject of talk, even though you’re barely responding to them. There are also helicopter parents and whatever parents. Then there are the people who mix and match styles and some that don’t fit into any category.

One of the most frightening things for a shy mom is going to a park when you just want to play with your child and a talkative person comes right up to you and starts talking. I always start panicking because I never know what to say. I’ll smile and nod, but that doesn’t always work. The only people I talk to constantly are select family and friends. Some people go to the park to make friends, which is great, but I’m just there to play with my daughter. I also understand that there are people who constantly have to talk, but I’m trying to figure out why they always talk to me. This isn’t a new occurrence. People will just start talking to me at stores or restaurants or on the street. They’re long personal conversations with someone I never met. Now that I’m a mom, more people come up to talk to me because my daughter is the perfect icebreaker. Even though this has been going on my whole life, I’m still not used to it. I’m still as confused as ever about why they talk to me and what I’m supposed to contribute to the conversation. So I smile and nod and usually try to find ways to get out of the conversation politely. When we get to the park while other people are there, I always think, please don’t talk to me, please don’t talk to me. By the way, this never works. I know I should be making friends with people who have children around the same age as my daughter, but the talkative people just throw me off when I feel like they corner me and no one else in the area. I always try to be super polite to everyone anyway. After we leave the park, I tend to feel like I did something wrong when other people are there. I always wonder if I should have said something or if I should have said something else. Or why did I say that or should I have said this or why did I not ask about their child more because they kept asking me about my daughter. I always question myself after the conversation about how it went. During the conversation, I either freeze up and can’t think of anything to say or I just run through things that I should say in my head but I always second guess what I’m about to say so I end up not saying anything that I was thinking.

Then there are the other children at the park. Since my daughter is only 18 months old she can’t do everything at the playground yet. My daughter likes to clean all the leaves and sticks off the steps of the jungle gym. She’s not as fast as the other children. She doesn't understand getting out of the way of other children to go through. My daughter just does her own thing. There is nothing wrong with this if we’re the only ones on the playground or there’s only one other child. So I try to pick a time during the day when I know there won’t be many people at the park when we go. Which I enjoy because then my anxiety isn’t that bad, but I also need to get her use to more people around. Even if I don’t want to be around other people. Most children don’t understand what my daughter does at her age so some of them get upset when she takes forever to go down the slide, walk somewhere, or climb somewhere because she’s easily distracted. When there’re too many other children playing, my daughter gets overwhelmed and just stops wherever she is to watch the other children, which isn’t always in the best spots on the playground. The more children, the less likely my daughter will play, which means I try to find a time to go to the park with nobody there or just one other child. I know she needs to socialize with other children but she also gets upset when she can’t play on the playground because there are too many children even though I tell her it’s ok to play with the other children around.

Some children think my daughter is awesome, so they want to play with her and try to hug her. My daughter doesn't want any of that, partly to do with her age. I try to explain to the children why she doesn’t want to play with them, but they don’t understand. Instead, they start talking to me. I never know what to say to children I don’t know. Usually, I say I like the character on your shirt or something similar. The parents never have a problem with their child talking to me. I’m just super awkward the whole time. I felt bad the one time we were at the park. A family was there with three children, but one was too young to play. The two boys, the oldest was probably 7 years old, kept trying to play with my daughter and kept talking to me, but I couldn’t understand most of what they were saying. They kept mixing English and Spanish. I never took Spanish; I took 4 years of French in high school. I couldn’t understand them very well, which I realized based on the fact, they thought my husband was in the car waiting for us to drive home, but we walked to the park without my husband. So when we were leaving they tried to ask me why I wasn't getting in the car with my husband. I tried to tell them he wasn’t my husband but there was still a communication issue. I felt so bad. They were so kind and patient with my daughter.

So far there has been one child my daughter liked at the park. There was a girl about two years old and she was super excited that we were there. She would not do anything without my daughter and called my daughter her baby. Her mom was nice too, even though we didn’t talk much. My daughter was happy following the girl around but would get sidetracked here or there. I kept wondering if I should try and say something to start a conversation, but I never did. I had no idea what to say or if the mom wanted to talk. Maybe the mom sensed I was shy so she didn’t push the situation; I don't know.

I try not to let my anxiety show to my daughter but I know she can pick up on it. That’s why I am trying to do things out of my comfort zone like going to the park while other people are there. So hopefully my daughter can learn how to deal with her anxiety around other people. So she won't develop some or all of the anxiety I have about being around people I do not know, so she can make friends more easily, and do the things she likes without the added worry. Like going to the park. Once again, one day at a time. I can only do the best that I can.

12/15/2022

Halloween is a fun holiday. My favorite part is the costumes. I love every aspect of the costumes; thinking of what costume to wear, making my own costume, and wearing the costume. I like to see what costumes everyone else is wearing, because some people are so creative. I also like many of the other activities that happen on and around Halloween too. Like I said, Halloween is fun, but because I’m shy, certain aspects can be challenging.

Before my daughter was born, I would sometimes go out to celebrate Halloween. I’d go to a party or to the bar. Depending on where the party was, and who was there would determine how shy I would appear. Thankfully most parties would have a nice number of people that I knew, so they were who I’d hang out with the whole time. The parties were not that extreme, usually some food, possibly a movie, some music, and playing games. Trick-or-treat was usually going on. We would either go out to trick-or-treat, just walk around and look at the decorations, or we would hand out candy. If the party was at a friend of a friend’s or a friend’s relative’s house, they were more awkward. I wouldn’t know where anything was or who most of the people were so I would just follow the people I knew around and only really talk to them, unless someone else asked me a question. Then I would answer the question and not say anything else, so there was usually awkward silence.

If I went to the bar to celebrate Halloween it was because I had no other plans and wanted to wear my costume somewhere besides just at home by myself. I would go out with just one or two friends. We would go to one or two bars usually. I don’t really drink, so I would have maybe one or two drinks. I liked seeing the different costumes people wore, especially since most bars had a costume contest so the costumes were a bit better. Otherwise it was awkward at the bars because the friends I went with would usually run into people they knew so I would usually smile and nod as they talked, because I wouldn't know what to say. The rest of the night was just my friends and I talking. Another uncomfortable part was if I had to go to the restroom. Some bar restrooms are really weird. I also don’t like having to ask where the restroom is or for the restroom key. Most of those restrooms are also pretty gross.

Usually, especially since meeting my husband and now with my daughter, I celebrate at home. This means I don’t have to worry about being shy. We usually wear something Halloween related and/or a costume, including our cat, much to her dismay. We listen to Halloween music, watch movies, eat special baked goods and/or candy, sometimes make caramel corn, read themed books, and participate in handing out trick-or-treat candy. I also always listen to the BBC 1952 Frankenstein Castle Hoax. When I was growing up we would listen to the hoax being played on TMJ4 until the broadcaster left. Now I listen to it on YouTube. Listening to the hoax really makes it feel like Halloween night for some reason. Not a whole lot of excitement the night of, but it is fun and cozy for us.

Sometime before October 31st, we go to a pumpkin patch to pick out at least one pumpkin to carve. I don’t know why, but I don't worry a lot about dealing with my shyness. I think this has to do with the fact that everyone at the pumpkin patch is just doing their own thing. People are there to hang out with people they know and they are not there to make new friends. This means everyone just interacts with their own group of people. I am able to just concentrate on having fun with my group of people then. We also check out the store at the pumpkin patch and sometimes buy something. Depending on which pumpkin patch we go to, we also participate in some of the activities they have available. This year we just had fun watching my daughter play at the playground and explore everything. I’m sure we’ll do more the older my daughter gets.

We usually carve pumpkins less than two weeks before Halloween so they last. It also means the squirrels are less likely to eat them before Halloween. I always enjoy carving pumpkins, but my carving skills are quite limited. We bake the pumpkin seeds. It’s my favorite way to eat pumpkin seeds because we can control how much salt is on them. I don’t like a lot of salt, so the ones you buy at the store are disgusting to me because most of the pumpkin seeds are caked with salt. I also like how fresh the pumpkin seeds taste compared to the store bought ones. When I was growing up, on the night we carve pumpkins we would hear three loud knocks at the back door. It was the Great Pumpkin! We would get new Halloween decorations, toys, and food. The Great Pumpkin is a tradition in my family started by my Mom and Aunt for my cousins. Then my Aunt did it for my brother and me once we were born. I then picked it up and did it for my nieces and nephews for a while. Now I do it for my daughter, but the older my daughter gets the harder it will be to hide the fact that I am the Great Pumpkin. I am trying to come up with different ideas for how to pull it off when she is older.

I always enjoy trick-or-treating. I never had a problem with shyness while trick-or-treating or handing out candy. Maybe I don’t have a problem because I’m wearing a costume, and when dressing up, you feel a bit like who you’re dressing up as, and do things you may not typically do. I like to go out and see how everyone decorates their house and what costumes everyone is wearing. When I was a kid, I enjoyed getting candy. It would take months to eat my candy, though, which bugged some people because they ate their candy right away. I would also enjoy handing out candy. When I was a kid we’d decorate our house with so much stuff! We’d have people trick-or-treat just to see our house. We’d dress in costumes to hand out candy. I usually handed out the candy, while my brother tried to scare everyone. It was fun to see people’s reactions to our display and costumes. I enjoyed seeing the different costumes. When we moved, we no longer had people trick-or-treating at our new house, so we’d hand out candy at my Aunt’s house instead, up until she passed away.

Once my husband and I moved into our house, I was able to hand out candy again. The first year we had snow and it was really cold, which meant not a lot of people trick-or-treating, and resulted in bags of leftover candy. The second year was covid so trick-or-treating was basically canceled. Then in 2021 we didn’t have many people trick-or-treating again. We realized that the street we were on was the cut off of where people would go because it is considered a busy street. Plus once you cross the street to our side you start hitting the dorms and college campus. We tried to flag people down, but not much success. I was surprised because there are quite a few families on our side of the street too. I did notice only a few houses on our side were actually handing out candy though, so people might decide to not bother. Recently the college has been selling off some of the houses they own, so maybe things will change. We also trick-or-treated at the house across the street from us because we felt bad that they weren't getting many trick-or-treaters like us. This year we’ll have some pretzels to hand out, but we also plan on going out briefly with our daughter to trick-or-treat for the first time to a few houses.

Halloween offers a lot of fun activities throughout the month of October. The most fun for me is being cozy at home with my family and sometimes some close relatives or friends. At home, I can be the most relaxed. It also means we can do whatever we feel like doing, and change our minds half way through if we want to do something else. Plus, if the weather is bad, we don’t have to worry about plans being ruined. Celebrating Halloween is different for everyone and whatever works for you is great, as long as you’re having fun and being safe! Happy Halloween!

10/31/2022